Depression ~ My Perspective

Depression and laziness are not the same thing.

I am coming out of a severe depression that has lasted for almost an entire year. It began to subside, slowly, about three months ago. When I say slowly I mean, I could start to remember what I did the day before, dates, appointments. I could finally take a shower and even use shampoo.

I really hate depression. It makes me feel lazy. What’s worse, it makes me feel like other people think that I am lazy. “Get up and go outside for a walk, it’ll make you feel better!” “You don’t have it that bad, look at how good you have things!” Add more guilt here. Do they not know that I would do almost anything to have the energy to get up and go for a walk? I would love to comb, and blow-dry my hair? Maybe add a little make-up and put something nice on? That’s funny. Those things are out of the realm of what I would do almost anything for. I would do almost anything to have the energy to take off my sweats and take a shower that includes washing my hair, shaving, oh my god the nightmare! I always do it, eventually, but I wish just one person could feel how physically difficult it is to do those things.

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I loathe depression. Lying there, knowing how many things you need to do, appointments to go to, mail to open, laundry to do, hell, eat! Just anything! Knowing how lazy you must seem to everybody around you. How do you explain the feeling? That feeling of agonizing heaviness that makes you feel like you cannot physically move. Depression is not just sadness, guilt, emptiness, feeling of failure, fear, anxiety and on and on. Those aspects of depression to me are the ones that I have become used to. I have my head wrapped around those symptoms as much as one can. It is hard to remember at the time, but you know that it is depression. The nightmare for me is the physical toll that it takes on me.

You see, when I suffer a depression that is contained mostly to the emotion symptoms, a few of which I described above, I can still manage to complete some daily tasks. I am just very sad, anxious, guilty, etc while I drag myself through to completion. It is the deep, all consuming depressions that hijack my mind and my body that leave me feeling the most helpless.

images (29)Have you ever had a dream where your mind wakes up but your body is still in sleep paralysis? Those terrifying nightmares where you can’t move, scream or call for help? That sort of how a severe depression feels to me. It is difficult to explain, but every motion, every movement feels more difficult and exhausting than if I had the flu. Most people find it difficult to get up and at ’em when their body is overtaken with a flu, right? Well, that is the best way that  can describe how I feel when going through a severe depressive episode.

I can only write this now because I am feeling pretty good. I have come through and finally am in the care of a strong team of professionals. A great GP, Psychiatrist and counsellor that I have never had before. I am feeling happy today. Some days are better than others, but things seem to be looking up and I seem to feel better more often than not these days.

Now that my depression has been treated for some time, as difficult as it was, I can get up and go for a walk if I am feeling a little low, and it does make me feel better. Going for a walk and counting your blessings do not cure severe depression. Professional medical help to treat severe depression will eventually lead one to have the ability to get out and go for a walk.

If you are suffering a depression right now, my heart goes out to you. I understand that it is too hard to do a lot of things that many around you might think are simple tasks. I know that simple tasks are only simple to someone healthy, and that you are not ungrateful for the things in your life. You are ill and that is it. It is not your fault.

If you know someone who you believe may be suffering from depression and want to help, acceptance of where they are and education are a good first step.

Here are some links:

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bipolar

Just Shag It

It is really late right now. I have been fighting really hard for a long time. Fighting to be positive, to grow through self improvement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, blah, blah, blah. I feel worn down right now. I should be in bed, I should have gone to the gym, why was I so tired to today? I thought I was feeling better lately. Ahhr!

I just don’t have the time nor am I in the mood for pretty words right now. The fact is I am tired of trying to feel good. Do you know what? Most of the time I feel like I am dragging my ass through quick sand and the moment  I get a medication that gives me a bit of energy I am suddenly becoming hypomanic. We better stop them or you’ll become manic. Well to hell with it! I say bring it on! Bring on the hypomania, while we’re at it, ramp it up to full blown mania! Anything to get me out of this slump.

I see the laundry sitting there, I want to do it but it is as though there are a thousand elephants holding me down. It is so frustrating to almost have normal energy but to be not quite there. It’s down right painful!

I will admit that I have been feeling better than I did when I was in a severe depression, but god help me I do not feel the way other people appear to feel. Why is everything such a chore for me? Showering, errands, cooking, getting dressed, and on and on. I want to have daily energy! Some days are okay but I am still pushing myself through. That makes the days that are not okay a darn chore. I have just started Wellbutrin and I hope to high heaven it boosts my mood and energy because I can’t fake it anymore. Not that I have been doing a great job of faking it anyway. Shag it all!

And that, folks, is how I am feeling right now. Raw. I am so sick of it!


Sick Of It

Wide Awake

As a child, I was free from the feeling of impending age and the disappointment brought by the realization that life has happened for too long and I have fallen behind. Like all bright-eyed youth I believed that as I studied hard, went through the right motions, followed all the right rules, that life would somehow fall into place. I would simply step onto destiny’s trail and life would unfold before me. I always had a sense that I would recognize each milestone by the successes and failures, where I had come, what I had accomplished. I had a preconceived idea of what each milestone would bring, how it would feel, that I would know I was where I was meant to be. However, bright-eyed youth become wide-eyed adults. Wide, bloodshot eyes ripped ajar, the once lethargic gaze swiftly slapped away by the wet, cold, leather glove of time that had dragged them through life to reach each milestone without reminding them to stay awake for the ride. I am now of an age that my younger self would not recognize from her sense of time. I do not recognize this place. I still don’t know what I was supposed to do, and by now I should have been doing it for years. This is where I awoke. Jolted awake by one of life’s bumps, I nearly lost my grip. This is my wide-eyed moment. I find myself looking around and wondering why I am still waiting for everything to fall into place. The problem is, things are already in place, and I was never asleep. I was just looking in the wrong direction.images (8)

Life is where you are, life is now. It always has been. Destiny did not pave your trail, you did. Life did not drag you blindly along, you were looking backward, or forward, or anywhere but now. Looking to the past, you miss the present as it unfolds. Your past will pave your way. Looking to the future will distract you from your present, the good, the lessons, life. On you go, paving a trail fervently trying to reach that future expectation, missing the present. But the present is still here. Appreciate the past, live in the present and expect a great future. We are all paving our own trails. Every moment offers a choice, be present and make a conscious choice to fill it will gratitude, love, hope and happiness and watch your trail, charmed and alive, unfold before your eyes.

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