Just Shag It

It is really late right now. I have been fighting really hard for a long time. Fighting to be positive, to grow through self improvement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, blah, blah, blah. I feel worn down right now. I should be in bed, I should have gone to the gym, why was I so tired to today? I thought I was feeling better lately. Ahhr!

I just don’t have the time nor am I in the mood for pretty words right now. The fact is I am tired of trying to feel good. Do you know what? Most of the time I feel like I am dragging my ass through quick sand and the moment  I get a medication that gives me a bit of energy I am suddenly becoming hypomanic. We better stop them or you’ll become manic. Well to hell with it! I say bring it on! Bring on the hypomania, while we’re at it, ramp it up to full blown mania! Anything to get me out of this slump.

I see the laundry sitting there, I want to do it but it is as though there are a thousand elephants holding me down. It is so frustrating to almost have normal energy but to be not quite there. It’s down right painful!

I will admit that I have been feeling better than I did when I was in a severe depression, but god help me I do not feel the way other people appear to feel. Why is everything such a chore for me? Showering, errands, cooking, getting dressed, and on and on. I want to have daily energy! Some days are okay but I am still pushing myself through. That makes the days that are not okay a darn chore. I have just started Wellbutrin and I hope to high heaven it boosts my mood and energy because I can’t fake it anymore. Not that I have been doing a great job of faking it anyway. Shag it all!

And that, folks, is how I am feeling right now. Raw. I am so sick of it!

Sick Of It

Wide Awake

As a child, I was free from the feeling of impending age and the disappointment brought by the realization that life has happened for too long and I have fallen behind. Like all bright-eyed youth I believed that as I studied hard, went through the right motions, followed all the right rules, that life would somehow fall into place. I would simply step onto destiny’s trail and life would unfold before me. I always had a sense that I would recognize each milestone by the successes and failures, where I had come, what I had accomplished. I had a preconceived idea of what each milestone would bring, how it would feel, that I would know I was where I was meant to be. However, bright-eyed youth become wide-eyed adults. Wide, bloodshot eyes ripped ajar, the once lethargic gaze swiftly slapped away by the wet, cold, leather glove of time that had dragged them through life to reach each milestone without reminding them to stay awake for the ride. I am now of an age that my younger self would not recognize from her sense of time. I do not recognize this place. I still don’t know what I was supposed to do, and by now I should have been doing it for years. This is where I awoke. Jolted awake by one of life’s bumps, I nearly lost my grip. This is my wide-eyed moment. I find myself looking around and wondering why I am still waiting for everything to fall into place. The problem is, things are already in place, and I was never asleep. I was just looking in the wrong direction.images (8)

Life is where you are, life is now. It always has been. Destiny did not pave your trail, you did. Life did not drag you blindly along, you were looking backward, or forward, or anywhere but now. Looking to the past, you miss the present as it unfolds. Your past will pave your way. Looking to the future will distract you from your present, the good, the lessons, life. On you go, paving a trail fervently trying to reach that future expectation, missing the present. But the present is still here. Appreciate the past, live in the present and expect a great future. We are all paving our own trails. Every moment offers a choice, be present and make a conscious choice to fill it will gratitude, love, hope and happiness and watch your trail, charmed and alive, unfold before your eyes.

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A Ray of Light

Since I last posted here, in a somewhat panicked head-swirl of project mania, I have begun the process of simplifying. I must say, I do feel the swelling has ceased and I am experiencing a slight sense of deflation, like a slow leak in a balloon. This process unfolded in phases.

Phase 1: My first move was to take a step back, or down, or whatever distancing direction you want to use. I first distanced myself from the entire process of thought and just watched the ocean for a while. I allowed the cluttered thoughts to pass here and there through my mind without stopping  to dwell on any of them. I suppose it was a sort of meditation. The longer I rested this way the slower the cluttered thoughts came and soon there was no clutter. I got to the point that I could just think of nothing. And I don’t mean don’t think about anything, I mean actually think of nothing, there is a big difference. When your thoughts are focused on nothing, there is nothing bad, sad or happy; there is nothing. Your mind is at rest. That is where I tried to stay for a while, and I have actually been repeating this process daily. That first step was essential.  

Phase 2: In phase 2, well it should have been simple, I shut down all but absolutely necessary technology. I mean, a quick email and calendar browse to make sure I didn’t miss anything that might cost me my job. This, like I said, should have been simple. Yeah right, I had no idea how much time I spend tinkering around on the internet, picking at this account, adding to that, focusing on nothing in a substantial way. That is, of course, the point of this whole process; it is this tinkering that is clouding my mind with a million ideas bouncing around inside my head with an outlet for none of them. So yes, phase 2 was to shut down for a few days. In reality, it was about 3 or 4 days. I did spend time each day reading and practising the process I discovered for myself in Phase 1. I can’t say enough about how life changing that meditation type thing I am doing has been. 

Phase 3: Here is where I started to do some hands-on work. I started with all my emails. I wrote down all of the email addresses I could think of, this may not apply to many of you, but I used to make an address for many different types of accounts, a work version, personal, etc. In all I had about 9 emails. I had actually had them all forwarded to one account in an earlier attempt to get organized, but I actually found it more difficult. It was more difficult to tell which address the mail was directed to, then I would forget to make sure to send or reply from a particular address and often ended up sending something from a personal address, that was set as default, to a colleague. 

At first I first decided which email addresses were obsolete, then deleted them. It felt good. I could feel space opening up in my head, for real. Then I separated them all. There are now no forwarded emails, no feeling out of control of my inbox and worrying about sending from the wrong address. A little more space up there! Finally, on my computer I went with Thunderbird email client to add each email account individually. Now all in one place, but I can access them separately. It is a relief I must say. For my phone, the new version of Gmail is wonderful. I am able to do the same thing. I have every email account lined up vertically on a slide out sidebar and can switch back and forth between them individually. Here is how to add multiple accounts to the new Gmail for Android. All the email addresses do not have to be Gmail either. I added accounts from yahoo.ca and Outlook.com as well. Honestly, this might seem like a minor life change but it has made me feel much more organized. In my next phase, I am going to do the same type of purge, but for all of the different platforms I am registered with. For example, I have two Pinterest accounts, 4 Tumblr blogs, I’ve dabbled in Notelr, there is wordpress floating around, I’ve been trying to find my “thing” and in the process have played around with a lot of different apps, platforms and software. It is now time to tackle, purge and tighten up the loose ends. I literally need to clean up my virtual space. Yikes! 

A Tangled Mind

This will probably sounds like just a shit storm of words flying maniacally from my overstuffed brain onto this page. If that is what you get from this then you would be right. I swear to god I am trapped in a life that I am not sure is not my own. It is just a life. I feel, I don’t know, stuck. This is actually made much more unbearable by the fact that nobody is really stuck. We are all free to just take the left turn instead of the right and just keep going. Get my drift? Just, leave. Sounds exciting, and it is. I have done it. The only problem is that you’re overstuffed  brain follows right along. And we’ve come full circle.

It feels like I am reaching some sort of psychological crisis due to the fact that I am experiencing only psychological input and no output. What am I meant to be doing? I am good at many things, but I am not mastering any. I feel spread thin. I have too many unfinished projects, abandoned email addresses and accounts that I opened with fervour, having decided that they would play some role in my big  aha! That thing! But no, just another abandoned email account rattling around in the back of my brain, with the occasional forwarded email. I don’t delete the accounts because they might be connected to some program that I semi-use right now but can’t quite remember what it is or even if it is. So, I continue to forward email from these obsolete accounts connecting me daily to abandoned projects and other mental baggage. I want a new start. I want to wipe the slate clean and abandon everything! By this, I mean everything virtual. Everything that needs a user name and password or email address, or all three. Yes, that might be a good start. I will purge my virtual world and start fresh. No forwarding, no virtual chains reminding me of past, unfinished projects and ideas.

 There is only one thing I can do. I have to get back to basics. I need to find my foundation and get a footing before I can launch into clear head space and a simpler life.